This is a 1600 word article submitted to The Bellevue Literary Review. A bit long for a “blog” post; but definitely about one of the most important means of “Healing,” on all levels.

                                        Christopher Knippers, Ph.D.

Healing of the body and the mind can come in diverse, and sometimes mysterious ways. It is often a factor that you would not expect that brings a healing process to life. I experienced this as a young Clinical Psychology intern who had just learned all of the quantifiable methods of helping to bring about healing in a wounded patient. But there was a process of healing that I had not learned in my very rigorous training. I learned it when a man entered my office presenting the most challenging case I had heard since my internship in a high security prison. 

He was a handsome 40 year old man who had been a successful executive in one of Southern California’s most respected and important corporations. He had the upper-middle-class ideal of life: A job he loved; a beautiful intelligent wife; a healthy happy 2-year-old daughter; and a custom home on the west side of Los Angeles. Yet he slowly walked into my office looking somewhat disheveled, slightly stooped over, and his eyes looking at the floor as he introduced himself. He was hardly the man that the person who referred him had described to me.

Sean confirmed the facts of his background to me and then began unemotionally relating the reason for his current state of crippling depression, overwhelming sense of loss, unemployment, and being on the brink of bankruptcy. He spoke softly in a monotone, like someone who was barely conscious.

Seven months earlier, Sean, his wife and 2 year-old daughter were returning from their favorite restaurant where Sean and his wife each had a single glass of wine with dinner. He felt perfectly good when he got behind the wheel of their Mercedes and headed home on the 405 freeway. Suddenly, the next thing he knew a car swerved into the passenger side of his car where his wife was sitting with their 2-year-old daughter strapped into the child safety seat directly behind. Sean was unharmed but he heard absolutely no sound coming from his profusely bleeding wife and his badly mangled little girl.

Sean spent the next 2  months in complete shock and was unable to leave his house. People from his church brought him food, sat with him, gave him advice on how to move on with his life, urged him to get out of the house; but Sean could not move from his emotional dungeon. After 2 months of self-imposed incarceration in his own home, he occasionally accepted invitations to meals at friends’ houses; but these outings only exacerbated his depression.

Though very understanding and supportive, his company had no choice but to replace him after six months of absence from his highly responsible position in the company. Sean was not suicidal, but he was unable to function in any meaningful way due to the ongoing state of severe depression which had not only left him emotionally unable to function, but he was now physically unable to sustain activity of any kind before experiencing complete exhaustion. Sean spent his days closed in his house with the drapes drawn, leaving only every couple of days to get food.

Eventually, his home foreclosed, and he moved to low-income housing in a high-crime neighborhood of Los Angeles. He barely noticed the change. His surroundings actually were a better match for his feelings about himself and his life. Appropriate punishment for the death of his wife and daughter.

Sean had been blaming himself all along for their deaths, even though the police officers had immediately determined that the accident was 100% the fault of the other driver whose blood alcohol level was beyond the legal limit. “I’m sure that I could have done something to prevent the accident if only I had been more alert! If only I had not had that one glass of wine!” 

I desperately wanted to hug him and assure him that he was not responsible for the accident or the deaths of his beloved wife and daughter. I wanted to convince him that he would be able to get beyond this tragedy and live a life that would honor the memory of his wife and child. But, I too felt frozen. Frozen in despair, a devastating inconsolable sense of loss, overwhelming guilt and shame. After almost an hour of listening intently to his gut-wrenching story my mind struggled for just the right words to give him an educated healing response. I desperately wanted to be objective, but it was too late. The analytical function of my brain was drowned out by my emotions. My mind was blank, but my emotions were raw and overflowing. I had become completely caught up in my patient’s experience. Not just empathizing with him or feeling sympathy for him; but experiencing the experience of loss and trauma with him simultaneously.

Tears streamed down my face; and while chocking back sobs, I said, “I am so sorry. There is nothing I can say.” For the first time Sean looked me in the eyes. With some strength and feeling in his voice, he said, “That’s okay. I’ll see you in 2 weeks.” With that, he left my office and drove away.

I felt embarrassed, and deeply disappointed in myself. Here I was supposed to be the objective professional providing comfort and actual solutions for an emotionally broken grieving man, but instead I had broken down emotionally myself. I was sure he had said he would be back in two weeks instead of the more typical one week, because he did not plan on coming back at all. I kept his time-slot open in the unlikely event that he would return.

Two weeks later just before 8:00 P.M., in walked a truly handsome, well-dressed and groomed 40 year-old man with a strong gate looking me in the eye and confidently saying, “Thank you for what you did for me 2 weeks ago. My life changed immediately after our session. I went hime, cried uncontrollably for the first time since the accident, slept through the night for the first time in 7 months, got up, called a recruiter, and was hired for a great executive position the next week. I’m still sad, but I let go of the guilt, and I am capable of thinking more clearly now. I have more energy every day.”

“Sean, what was it about our last session that made such a difference for you?” I was truly puzzled.

“For the first time since the accident someone actually listened and felt what I was feeling. Not giving me advice, or telling me that everything was going to be alright. That it was not my fault. That God had a plan. That my wife and daughter were in a better place. You did none of that. You did not tell me how I should be thinking or feeling. You felt what I had been unable to feel for 7 months. Your genuine emotion and tears freed me from my paralysis. I’m a new man, thanks to you.”

I was as dumbfounded at hearing this as I was at experiencing his devastation 2 weeks earlier. I was in awe of what had happened to him, as well as what had happened to me in that whole experience.

It took weeks of reflection on that experience to begin to understand the dynamics of how that became such an unexpected healing event. With the help of a colleague, Dr. William Heard author of The Healing Between (Jossey Bass, 1993), I learned what had happened: A broken man came to me sharing his deepest experience while being completely open, authentic, and vulnerable; and I responded with my full and complete focus on him while also being fully present cognitively and emotionally. I was also being open, authentic, and vulnerable in my receiving of his communication. Healing occurred between his open sharing and my open listening.

I never again actually cried openly during a therapy session, but I did always allow myself to have a truly authentic response to people who were being truly authentic with me. I allow myself to express my true emotion both verbally and nonverbally in response to what i am hearing and perceiving from a patient. My practice of psychotherapy changed and has been much more fulfilling, effective, and often amazing.

Transpersonal Psychology studies this phenomenon taking into account processes that are experienced in psychotherapy which go beyond the five senses, and include the dynamic forces that take place when humans make an emotional and cognitive connection with each other simultaneously. This type of deep connection allows people to enter into each other’s experiences on a deep emotional as well as cognitive level rather than simply understand each other’s experiences on a cognitive level. Many people believe that there is actually a connection on a spiritual level in these deep human interactions. Other scientists believe that it is a neurological phenomenon in which a yet-unidentified set of neurons in the brain signal neural receptors in the other person’s brain as two people interact with each other and feel a deep connection with each other.

In whatever way you want to conceptualize it, I learned that there is a healing phenomenon that takes place when a person goes beyond an initial cognitive understanding of another person and listens deeply with feeling, rather than with a mere intellectual understanding. A healing takes place between the intellectual and the emotional, and perhaps the spiritual as well, which might not be quantified but is nevertheless real. It is listening with your entire being that can set in motion a healing process in both the giver and receiver of communication. When one person openly authentically shares their true self, and another person receives their sharing openly and authentically, then healing occurs between them.

May you have healing relationships.                 Christopher Knippers         July 13, 2019

This is actually a fairly prosaic personal journal entry; but I’m posting it for all the world to see, just in case anyone can relate to it or gain a little insight into their own lives:

The Cave

            A Glimpse Into the Psyche of Dr. Cecil Christopher Knippers II

                                        (Enter at your own risk)

I recently heard that oft-repeated analogy of how our lives can can seem like we are a caterpillar crawling on the ground dreaming of being a butterfly, then finding itself suddenly in the dark, isolated, and unable to move; but then one day gloriously finding itself flying through the air on beautiful wings. It always triggers some insight into my own life whenever I hear it in a minister’s or motivational speaker’s talk. But, this time it did not seem to fit, although I kind of wanted it to. I am actually happy and feel secure (although most people would probably find many reasons in my life to talk me out of feeling happy and secure). Faith hope and gratitude are very strong in my life.

I realized that the analogy which more accurately applies to me is that of being in a cave.

My hillside cave is safe, comfortable, and I have a wonderful companion with me. My cave has a beautiful expansive view of the valley below. I can see lush forests, harsh craggy rocky deserts, tribes of people who seem happy, tribes of people who seem fearful and angry (I can sometimes hear their loud shouts; I think they are mad at their leader). Then, there are some lonely ones wandering around by themselves just outside of the tribes. Some others appear to be actually suffering. I do write messages to the people in the valley below, and toss them down through the air hoping that they will reach whomever needs that message. At times I think I should try to scale down the hill and meet with these people, or at least explore that amazing valley; but I always end up being content with sitting on the narrow ledge in front of my cave admiring the view, or occasionally climbing the narrow pathway that leads to just above my my cave. Then I go back into the safety of my cave, being grateful for what I have.

I know this could be judged as being somehow a bad thing. I have been told repeatedly throughout my life by a variety of hundreds of people that I am gifted, a healer, an inspiration, etc. (almost no one has acknowledged the flaws of which I am keenly aware). So, I occasionally think, “Maybe you should put yourself out there more, and do some good in the world.”

I confidently believe that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing at this point in my life; and that if/when it is the right time, someone or something is going to show up to give me the opportunity to do something outside of this comfort zone, as has happened many times in my life. I will either choose to take that opportunity or not. In the mean time I will continue being hopeful, grateful, and having faith that my regular meditations and  prayers for guidance are being answered.

************************************************************************************

I know that some of my relatives who read this will pray for me; some of my friends will avoid me; others might try to organize a rescue mission to come get me. Whatever you do, please don’t send the men in white coats with a syringe of Thorazine.

Christopher Knippers, Ph.D.,    June 27, 2019

Paige Winter, the phenomenally upbeat 17-year-old girl who recently survived losing a leg and 2 fingers in a brutal shark attack was interviewed by journalist Robin Roberts. She portrayed the most positive outlook on life that have ever heard coming from any 17-year-old girl; even those who are in the most positive of circumstances in life. Despite not being in the most positive circumstances, this young girl (I should say “woman”) is hopelessly happy. She is radiantly looking forward to all the things she can do with her life (which even includes shark conservation). Talk about resilience! This young woman takes resilience and coping with significant loss to a whole new level! Since I have grown accustomed to being around the types of people who have good health, comfortable wealth, and a beautiful home who get seriously stressed out because their spouse insisted on the trip to Maui instead of Bora Bora, I was truly amazed by Paige Winter.

After the journalist’s interview there was some discussion on the news program of this young woman’s attitude after surviving a shark attack, and losing a leg and 2 fingers. I believe it was Robin Roberts who said that Paige is not really a survivor, but is instead a “Thriver.” Of course, everyone (I’m sure including Paige) agreed.

That turn of the term that we so often use to describe ourselves as “survivors” of severe chronic illness really grabbed me. It suddenly gave me a whole new perspective on myself and of life in general. 

I have always felt that the term “survivor” was just wrong for me, despite the fact that I did survive many life-threatening conditions even after medical professionals were no longer even trying to save my life. Survivor sounded weak to me. Like I was saying, “Well, at least I’m still hanging on to life somehow.” Which paints a picture of a person who is beat down and bedraggled but managing to still schlep through life.

The term “Thriver” when applied to myself felt really right. Like Thriver really fits who I perceive myself to be, and how I see life. It felt very empowering. I do indeed see myself thriving in life, and know that there are no limits on what is possible for me; even though I am certainly not one of those people who puts any pressure on myself to always be “more.” (More on that some other time.) I see myself as thriving in my current state of being and achievement. From now on I am referring to myself as a Thriver (at least to myself).

I urge any of you who are surviving a chronic illness, or any other significant challenge in your life, to try thinking of yourself as a Thriver. See how your perspective on yourself and your life changes.

                                                         Christopher Knippers, Ph.D.         June 20, 2019

The American Kidney Fund recently asked me to become an Amassador to help in lobbying efforts to our legislature. They also asked me to give advice to dialysis patients and their families. Here is an excerpt from that questionnaire that I think is helpful to most people who are going through regular treatments for most diseases such as cancer:

   Getting through treatment requires mental gymnastics, in addition to taking the best care of your health possible. Keep your thoughts about yourself and your situation as positive as possible. Avoid ever thinking of yourself as “A Kidney Disease (or, dialysis) Patient.” You are a human being with life, love and purpose. Thinking in  a “victim” mentality is destructive and untrue. Stay as engaged in life and your passions as possible. (My passions happen to be writing, and volunteer work for my church.) Focus on every positive thing you can think of, at all times. You don’t have the luxury of a negative thought. Your job now is to be an example of overcoming adversity with courage and conviction in order to give others hope and inspiration.

While in the actual dialysis session, practice relaxation and meditation techniques. Take a workshop or get coaching in this if you have to.

   Newly diagnosed patients need to learn that dialysis is effective and is not a death sentence. It becomes a routine (though relatively small) part of your healthcare regimen and life that will keep you on track. Don’t let dialysis become the focus of your life. Even the diet is not as bad as you might think. You are capable of adjusting to all of this effectively, and finding meaning and purpose in your life.

   It is vital to have support from a friend or family member in your life whether a dialysis patient or not; but now you really need a special kind of nonjudgemental empathic support from someone who cares enough to be educated about the needs of a dialysis patient, and will be a positive influence in your life, encouraging you.

   Family members need to remain positive and encouraging to the kidney patient. Offer tangible as well as emotional support (be careful not to be patronizing or pitying). Patients sometimes feel a bit physically and/or cognitively weak immediately following treatment, and might need a ride home or help with preparing a meal. Most patients bounce back by the following day.

   I have overcome numerous life-threatening conditions in my life, and have actually been pronounced dead at a very early age. I have overcome being brain-dead from a landslide, then unplugged from life-support so I could die. I went on to earn a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, just for spite. I have had a remarkable career in psychology and have worked with many people you see on television and in movies and in politics. I still counsel a few of them on a complimentary basis. Since receiving the diagnosis of kidney disease 5 years ago, which I initially was sure was a death sentence, I have become happier than I have ever been in my entire 66 years; despite now having a significantly reduced income from my days as a busy psychologist. My strength comes from the beautiful love and support of my friends, and family; as well as from a very deep faith in God (for very good reason). There have been many amazing miracles in my life, and there are more to come.

I hope this is helpful.  Blessings to you.

Christopher Knippers, Ph.D.                                                    June 13, 2019

Many people who have a lot of great qualities manage to still screw up their relationships, jobs, health, or other important areas of their lives. We chock it up to being “stupid,” having bad luck, ignorance, or other reasons that still don’t quite explain why someone who has so much going for them would just keep failing in some important area of their lives. There is an often overlooked explanation for sabotaging good things in life, over-reacting to relatively minor stressors, or in some other way being irrational in making behavioral choices which have significant negative consequences.

Secure emotional bonding with parents often goes wrong somehow. The reasons are usually environmental (for some reason parents don’t provide a secure predictable relationship with the child, or there is severe trauma); or the child can have physiological or neurological conditions that prevent them from feeling secure in general. The child never fully feels safe and secure in the relationship and carries that sense of insecurity into adulthood, generalizing that insecurity into all relationships. They end up coping with it in various ways which usually involve either being overly dependent in relationships, avoiding close relationships; or some combination of those relational styles (going from dependent to avoidant) which creates inconsistent behaviors in relationships.

These relationship dysfunctions can affect many different types of relationships (personal, work , etc.) and other areas of life such as health and substance use. When a person feels insecure in relationships they also feel insecure in their own identity and sense of self. Then, everything can be thrown off course, and the world is a confusing place.

This “Attachment Disorder” is believed to affect at least half of the adult population. This high prevalence can account for the current divorce rate of over 52%, among other things. Some people have only a small degree of attachment issues, so the overall number of people affected to some degree is likely much higher than 50%.

Attachment Disorder is a fairly common diagnosis of children and can be effectively treated. Unfortunately the field of psychiatry does not officially recognize the disorder in adulthood, despite its obviously lingering and growing consequences after it has been left untreated in childhood; and despite the fact that  numerous clinicians and researchers do recognize it.

It can be very effectively treated in adulthood. First the disorder must be recognized by the affected individual. Next identify the specific relationship patterns that are problematic (avoidant, dependent, inconsistent). Then with professional help new rational thought patterns about self-identity and self-worth can be established, along with more realistic perspectives about people in general (e.g. “there are degrees to which you can trust people, and having a few faults is normal”). It is essential for new effective behavior patterns in relationships to be taught, so relationship re-education is needed.

Of course, if the root cause is on a physiological or neurological level, medical intervention is necessary as the first step in treatment. Also, if the root cause is severe trauma, then specialized treatment of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder must be primary.

In my own case, the etiology was fairly mixed and complex (many causes). It required very effective psychotherapy including Cognitive Behavior Therapy for irrational thinking, and EMDR therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I required medical intervention for a lifelong severe illness. A vital component of my treatment (initiated by a secular Clinical Psychologist) was spiritual reprogramming through spiritual re-education, meditation and prayer in order to give me the ultimate in a secure, trusting close relationship with a Higher Power.

There are varying degrees of Attachment Disorder, from severe to mild. If you can identify with any degree of Attachment Disorder know that help is available from therapists who are familiar with Adult Attachment Disorder.

It’s really not your fault. You can get on with a much happier, effective, fulfilling life.

Christopher Knippers, Ph.D., 02/18/2019

I asked for feedback from readers on a philosophy or belief or practice that inspires them in their challenges in life.  Here are some profound results.  Thank you, to each of the following people for sharing, and for passing along your inspiration to other readers.

One Step at a Time — Shearly Chambless:     Shearly is inspired by the story of a 5-year-old boy with his grandmother, both facing the daunting task of climbing a very high steep flight of stairs to where they must go.  The boy asked, “Grandma, how are we going to get to the top?”  She replied, “One step at a time.”  Shearly remembered this story at a time when she was going through cancer treatments and surgeries, yet was trying to maintain her career in social work.  She would begin to feel defeated, like she could not keep going on; but then would hear the words, “One step at a time.”  And, she made it through to success in her health and in her career.

Refreshing Paws  —  Christopher West:     Christopher maintains a very joyful attitude in his life, and a great sense of humor in his perspectives on life (my personal experience with him).  His inspiration for dealing with life’s challenges, whether in relationships or work, comes from taking 10 minutes each day to pray and meditate, often while holding his dog Ruthie’s paw.

Other People’s Courage  —  Bruce Stout:     Seeing the courage that other people display in their lives when facing difficult circumstances greatly inspires and motivates Bruce; especially the courage that some young people show in facing a difficult life.            (This is a way that all of us with chronic illness can have a sense of contributing to the greater good in the world:  Be courageous in facing your challenges.  In other words, “Feel the Fear,and Move Forward with your life, anyway.”  Better yet, try this next suggestion for dealing with fear.)

Press “Delete”  —  Cindy Hecker:     Cindy spent her entire life as a happy healthy girl and woman, despite many difficult challenges in her life.  She simply did not feel anxiety or depression, even though her siblings both wrestled with those conditions since their early childhood (they thought Cindy was just crazy, or at least in denial).  In rejection or other setbacks she simply moved forward with a joyful attitude; until one day she experienced a very painful injury which left her greatly disabled for years.  Fear began to dominate her life.  She was anxious all the time.  Recently, she had the revelation that she was an “addict.”  She had become addicted to fear.  She asked God for a way to overcome her addiction.  It concurred to her to simply “delete” any thoughts of fear when they first appeared.  It worked!  She is experiencing freedom from fear and much of the pain she was experiencing.  She now imagines pressing “Delete” in her mind whenever a fearful or anxious thought occurs to her, and becomes joyful, again.  Her physical pain also abated.  She can be herself again, and enjoy her paradise in Hawaii.

Faith in God, Listening to God, Relationships with Friends/Family  —  Sue Udell:     With a strong faith in God and a sense of love from a higher source, Sue has overcome many life-threatening conditions, as well as losses throughout her entire, long life.  She spends time each day just relaxing and “listening” for God’s guidance, which does come to her through thoughts, emotions, a sense of peace, and through unexpected occurrences in her day (serendipity).  She often seeks God on walks in nature.   Her relationships with friends and family give her strength and support.  In her 70’s with several chronic illnesses, Sue lives independently and happily in a beautiful beach community.  Sue is a true miracle.

 

Find Your Inspiration!

Christopher Knippers, Ph.D.                                                    August 23, 2017

 

 

In seeking Happiness for others, you find it in yourself.         (anonymous)

The world’s problems are truly overwhelming.  One can often think, “There is nothing I can do.”  So, then they do nothing.  Trying to help with any of the world’s problems can seem like trying to bail out a sinking boat with a tea-spoon. When we think of how our “small” efforts might affect the word’s problems it might seem useless; especially when we are in the midst of trying to deal with our own overwhelming problems.  “How can someone like Me help Anyone?!”

The answer is actually quite simple: Every time you even try to brighten someone’s day, there is a ripple effect in the universe that spreads light and joy and hope in the world.  Scientific studies do show tangible evidence that your intent to spread joy actually causes the elements such as water to respond to your thoughts by altering their molecular composition.  Sounds like hocus pocus, or even delusional thinking; but it is absolutely a scientific fact.  (Please read the research of Dr. Masaru Emoto.)   Therefore, when you intentionally try to help someone else experience happiness, your efforts are helping not only that person, but also the world around you.  Your intentions spread.

Something as simple as a smile, or a compliment, or coins for a parking meter can change someone’s life and can give them enough hope to find what they are seeking in their own life.  Hope can go a long way in advancing someone’s life; and they in turn can go on to help others.

It might be best to start spreading joy with people who appear more open to your kind gesture or smile; then you can progress to the real challenging work of trying to spread a little happiness to those who appear angry, anxious, or sad.  These are the people who need it the most; and in some cases they will not return the smile or show any form of appreciation for your kind efforts (even for parking meter money).  Spreading joy does have immense rewards, and some of those might be harmonious relationships with those whom you are trying to help.  However, if immediate positive feedback is what you are seeking, you will be disappointed at times.  The effects are often unseen; but they are nonetheless very real.  Your life will change for the better, in the long run.

Happiness and hope are infectious.  Start spreading a little of those things today in any way that you can, and feel your own happiness start to increase.

Christopher Knippers, Ph.D.                                                          August 9, 2017